The discomfort of feeling content

striving to not strive...for now

Written by

Annie Straka

. Edited by

Lisa McGann

.

Lately, I'm finding it harder to know what I have to say.

The world feels like a mess, but when I zoom in, my little life is pretty stable at the moment. Even as I write this I feel like I should knock on wood or give a bunch of qualifiers about what isn’t going perfectly well. But truthfully, most days, I feel happy, healthy, and grounded. My kids are healthy and hilarious. My marriage is in a good place. My parents are thriving in retirement. My job is stable and provides just enough challenge without feeling too stressful. I have real, committed friendships that are easy and joyful. I could go on, but I already feel obnoxious.

I have noticed is that this feeling of being content makes me kind of anxious, which feels both darkly funny and confusing.

I think part of it is that I feel like I should be doing something more, like if I am not pursuing some kind of external goal or fighting my way through a challenge, I am in essence doing nothing. A part of me believes that I don’t exist in the same way if I am not striving or struggling.

Another part of me is uncomfortable with how my contentedness might make other people feel. At any given time, disasters happen all over the world and I have close friends and family members who are going through really tough seasons so it feels insensitive to lazily sit in my stability while other people are going through hell.

It feels more natural to share the worst parts of my days so I remain relatable and lovable. And the thing is, one of the foundational understandings between my close friends and I is that we talk freely about how much our spouses and children and family members annoy the everliving shit out of us because we know deep down that if something were ever really wrong, the tone would change and we would know. And even with that foundation, I feel myself hedging and hesitant to really own it when I am actually doing quite well.

I have to believe this experience is more common for women, and probably for moms in particular. The world certainly tells us that our mere existence is not sufficient.

You might be healthy, but you probably could be healthier.

Your kids might be going through a stable moment now, but you better be reading books and listening to podcasts so you’re fully informed going into the next phase that will absolutely kick your ass.

We are subtly and overtly told to optimize every aspect of our lives in order to prepare for the other proverbial shoe to drop, so it kind of makes sense that feeling content, even for just a few days at a time, is unsettling.

We need more women showing up in the world just as they are, to remind us that our existence is just as important when we are happy as when we are striving. And most importantly, we don’t need to try to be anything at all.

I know that this is what life does—it ebbs and flows and sometimes you’re in a total shit phase followed by a better one.

The challenge lies in releasing the nagging feeling that I should be optimizing, preparing, or trying harder during good times. Instead, I want to let contentedness fill me up completely—creating reserves that I can draw from later when things inevitably take a turn.

This newsletter is meant to exist in the in between moments as much as the significant ones. Working like a mother means embracing all the paradoxes, big and small, and finding contentment when priorities pile up and parts of myself are in conflict.

My internal experience does not need to mirror the chaos of the external world. For now, holding onto my peace and finding joy within the four walls of my life can be my form of resistance.

simple joys.